Nobody makes you fear rapture better than toddlers, they have made it really visual enough to understand what it is like. Their disappearing act is out of this world. One minute they are by your side, the next minute you are combing the whole area for them and questioning your sanity. Swift, tiny legs carrying tiny bodies away as fast as possible in a flash, that what’s up. Sorry, Usain Bolt you are a learner.
I have been doing a lot of babysitting recently and I learnt a whole new lotta things. Things they probably teach you in some psychology class. So this toddler- who is their spokesperson- will be telling you ten things they feel you should know.
1. TODDLERS ARE HUMAN BEINGS: Yeah, I know you are thinking what is she on? But it is something you unconsciously overlook. Us things people are very aware of their environment. Notice, how we know when you are really sad or ill and we come to tell you “Sorwie mummy”, “Get well Daddy”. That is because we are things not people. Sorry, people not things. Waaah! How exactly does this computer thing work?
2. TODDLERS ARE PIRATES: Not all of us but most of us have a place we stash things away. The same way adults have a particular bank where they keep their prized possessions, so when you have your phone by your side and it suddenly goes missing. Check our booty collection e.g under the sofa, behind the bookshelf or the dustbin.
3. DON’T EAT, PLEASE STARVE: “Dear care giver, why should you eat? Didn’t you eat when you were like me? Didn’t you say the food is to make us big and strong? Arent you already big? Please all the food you eat now and in your future belong to me”. This is what goes on in our minds when we stare at you, happy and munching with big cute eyes and small, soft extended palms. In your mind, I know you are thinking “Wait! Do not yield, nod, smile and keep munching. You need to energy to chase, catch and carry them when they need to potty”. Whatever, WE run the world!!! *Inserts Beyonce’s CD*
4. THE GROUND IS A PLATE AND A DUSTBIN: Ground food is tasty and nutritious but we spit out what we don’t want and pick it up later to eat and spit it out…till you notice sweep it away. We pretend to scream but we like that you clean up after us. *Sips milk from bottle*
5. BABYNESE IS OURS: When we say “Tata” we expect you to call it “Water”. We know you are trying to relate but sorry you don’t look cool. Can’t you read lips? Stop asking “ehn…ehn…ehn? everytime we say something you don’t understand. Read our lips. Gosh!
6. FOOD IS SWEET, POOP SHOULD BE TASTY: We don’t usually want to bother you, when we need a diaper change or we know when you are clearly ignoring us. So,a dip in the diaper with a coated finger of brown stuff of God-knows-what is too tempting not to put in our mouth. We just have to taste whatever that is. Why are you squeezing your face like you are about to convulse? You do it too, so.
7. AN UNDER THE WEATHER TODDLER IS IN WAYS YOU CANNOT IMAGINE DIFFERENT FROM A NOT-UNDER THE WEATHER TODDLER: Administering medication to an ill child is an art. Whatever method you choose to administer medicine, especially a bitter medicine and you succeed with it, you deserve an “S” on your chest. This is what my aunt said “I said some pretty crazy stuff just to convince an angry, wailing child to take her medication, which I hope she doesn’t ever remember. I mean, I had to say that I was classmates with ‘Teletubbies’ and ‘Lala’ was my bestfriend in class. Imagine if she told her classmates what one aunty told her. Those kids won’t respect me again. Choi!” Yeah, we made crazy fun of her when I told them. She thought we were greeting her when we all smiled when she came to pick me up at school. *Rolling*
8. RETRIEVING SHARP OBJECTS: This requires maximum skill. Yeah, just common sense especially if you watch ‘Law and Order’ where they try to retrieve a weapon from an angry or a suicidal person. Sorry for the imagery but you need tact here too. We do not know how dangerous whatever it is we are holding is to us or others, so you need to apply tact. Try and distract with something more appealing say your phone, the TV remote control, a bottle of fruit juice, your Vogue magazine or your very rare and expensive diamond necklace –if it is nearby- Baby over bling, duhh. Because we can get frightened if you start yelling “Bring it, return it” and zap it the wrong way. No time for a crime scene joor. Nobody wants that… Nobody died on the cross for that!
9. SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS: This is how it works. When we sleep, you are happy because you have time to do other things you need to do. Fine, but when you sleep when we are awake and want to play with you; attend to us. We know you are exhausted from doing all your chores, Yeah! you can sleep when the world ends. A big shout out to those of you who pinch us to force us to wake up from sleep just because you are bored, a special place in heaven awaits you.
10. TAKE A BATH MUM… AND DAD: As much as you love to cuddle and kiss us because we smell nice, clean and babyish, we want you to do the same darn thing too. Yeah, we get you have a million things to do but every time you have had a shower and come out smelling nice, notice how we smile, hug and want to sniff you even with catarrh on our noses. We actually mean to sniff your new sweat-free scent not smudge your clean blouse, hehehe sorry. But if we don’t do it… well… ah you would be spending millions looking for someone to. Enjoy us for free jare.
We love you and all that you do for us. Kisses…Mwaaaaah. Oops! Diaper change time. Catch me if you can.